When I Don't Know Isn't an Answer

What do we really want when I don’t know isn’t an answer. When it comes to the big things and the possibilities are endless, we often don’t even know where to begin. Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, the American Dream.. sounds simple enough. But the pursuit of Happiness can lead us in a million different directions and it seems like there are a lot of dead end streets. One step forward and two steps back, it’s a wonder we get anywhere at all.

What we don’t want is easier. We don’t want to work for the rest of our lives and most of us don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. We are working solely because the credit card companies say we have to pay them back. But if you don’t go to work tomorrow, what do you want to do instead? A few days off would be nice, a Caribbean vacation, maybe even a trip around the world, and then what? You could pick up a hobby, surf the web, get in shape, and then get bored. You can’t do nothing for forever. And we don’t want to marry the boy next door, he seems so boring and safe. Most of us relish the challenge and the thrill of the chase. We want to sow our wild oats, we want to be free, independent and in control. But how long can we be alone? What about ageing? If we definitely don’t want to get old, how young do we really want to be? Sixteen was a blast, but I think I’d rather kill myself than go back. And twenty-one was great, but I didn’t have a clue how to dress. Eventually, we have to grow up, even Peter Pan and Wendy had to leave Never Never Land.

What we do want is to not have to figure it out for ourselves. Figuring out what we want means asking ourselves what we don’t have, it means changing what we do have, it means we have to decide. It means making a commitment to something or someone, it means a lot of work. We want it all and we can’t have it. We want to have our cake and eat it too, but we have to choose and it’s so much easier to just let things happen. If we never decide what we want, then we can never really be wrong, we can never make a mistake, it can never be our fault. The status quo is seductive, and the what if can scare you to the death.

The funny thing is, we can spend our whole lives trying to be unique and extraordinary, but when it comes to what we want, most of us are quite ordinary. We want a place where we feel loved and respected. We want something that we can believe in and be proud of. We want to be able to recognize a good thing when we’ve got it and we want someone who gets us back. We want to finally get something right and we want to have someone that isn’t afraid to tell us when we’re wrong. We want to be understood without saying a word. We want to be someone’s best friend. We want something that can change our lives for forever and someone we can’t live without. We want to have something we can call our very own and someone that will answer every time we call. And while we may spend most of our lives searching for Prince Charming and dreaming of the fairy tale, at the end of the day, we all just want something that we know is real.

The Biggest Mistake of My Life

If I’m only in my twenties, can I still make the biggest mistake of my life? Of course, some decisions are easy. Lying, cheating, stealing, and killing are generally considered to be wrong, but given the right circumstances, even some of these can go both ways. When you lie on a resume to get a job, is it necessarily dishonest or just a way to get your foot in the door? If you cheat on your taxes, will you come to regret it or get away with it? Or if the unimaginable happens and you must hurt another to save the life of someone you love, are you a hero or a villain?

And what about the decisions that are already made for us. Should I finish high school and go to college? That one is easy, just ask your parents. Should I work hard and try to save my money? Should I eat right and exercise? Should I do unto others as I would have them do unto to me? Of course you should, just ask anyone. But, what happens when the answers aren’t so black and white?

Almost all decisions have a few shades of grey and it seems that these are the ones that haunt us, when the obvious answers aren’t so obvious. If you lie to a friend to save her feelings, will she hate you for forever? If you cheat on him, can your relationship ever really be the same? Do you tell him hoping that he will forgive you or hoping that you can forgive yourself? Or do you say nothing at all? If you steal her boyfriend, is it all part of the game or will your reputation be tarnished beyond repair? And if you’ve truly lost someone, can you ever get them back? When in life there are no guarantees, does our fear of making the wrong decision stop us from being able to make the right one? And once you’ve made your choice, can you ever live it down?

Oftentimes, the decisions we make in the grey are the ones that we remember the most. And the hardest decisions are the ones we put off making for ourselves. But, if there is no right or wrong answer, how do we decide? Do we ask our family and friends for advice, follow our gut feelings, or listen to our heart, when they’ve all led us astray in the past? Or do we choose what we think we want and cross our fingers and take a chance. Is there anything I can do or anyone that I can trust to save me from making the biggest mistake of my life?

And after it’s done, will I even know that I made it? Will I ever be able to look back and pinpoint the wrong turn or bad choice, or will it just be lost among the list of things that I wish I did differently? Can what I do today, in my twenties, really be my biggest regret? As the years go by, will we spend our whole lives wondering what could have been and hoping that everything turned out for the best? Or is it possible that the biggest mistake of my life could turn out to be the best decision that I never knew I made. And will I always be grateful that I don’t know, what if.

Age Old Wisdom- Updated

A stitch in time saves nine… Sewing is out, take it to a seamstress. Nuff said.

What goes around comes around… This is true, and trust me you don’t want to catch it.

Once a cheater always a cheater… Once a cheater, now a swinger. Monogamy is so 1950s.

You can’t judge a book by its cover…. But you can judge a blind date by their myspace page.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… Karma will bite you in the a$$ every time.

What Doesn't Kill Us

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’d give anything to go a year without hearing those words; I’ve never aspired to be a professional wrestler. And it’s better that you found out the truth now, rather than later. That just means that the truth sucks and later it would probably have sucked even more. Or, We’ve all been there. I’m guessing that when they were there they all ran like hell to get out, everyone’s been there and no one wants to stay. But this too will pass. And so will a golf ball sized gallstone…

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. The problem is that no one in their right mind likes lemonade past the age of six. And life just keeps tossing you lemons. So we try to make the best of it, but one can only suck down so many vodka sodas with lemon and most of the time a tall glass of iced tea just won’t cut it.

Eventually, something has to give. And the older I get the more I wish that I never grew up. Or the more I wish that I would just get there already. The years between my first bike and my first motor powered wheelchair are proving to be a lot harder than I had anticipated. I find myself longing for the days when I can eat chocolate for every meal, without guilt or consideration for my figure and devote my time to watching reruns of the Golden Girls and Sex & the City. I know this may sound like I’m just being lazy, but I think it would be a lot easier to seize the day if there weren’t so damn many of them.

I have to admit that I might miss out on a lot too. I’d miss the mind-numbing commute to work every day and the bucket of birthday bagels I get each year. I’d miss the rent is due, my car just got towed, I lost my cellphone, and I’m broke emotional breakdowns. I’d miss the bad hair days, the fat days, and the I have absolutely nothing to wear and hate all of my clothes days. I’d miss the heart aches, the break ups and the make-up sex… oh wait, I kinda like that. I’d miss the I can’t take this anymore and I really need a cocktail happy hours, followed by the I’m never drinking again hangover, usually shortly followed by the I will never learn my lesson champagne brunch. I’d miss the good hair days (rare) and the I look pretty hot in this outfit nights (even rarer) and I’d really miss Grey’s Anatomy. I’d miss my first everythings that haven’t happened and all of my first everythings that I hope never will. Or at least never will again… I mean it was bad enough the first time.

So we go through life, putting on our armor and our heels and our lipgloss and we hope for the best. We try to come out as lightly bruised and faintly scarred as possible. We make a million mistakes along the way. And we search for that someone or something that doesn’t kill us, for that sense of peace, happiness, and love so powerful that we can finally be weak… at least for a little while.